The Teacher

I've decided to tell this story from two different points of view. The first, will be mine and how I thought everything happened. The second will be what I heard from my friends. Here we go.

We got a late start on things tonight, probably didn't arrive at the club till around midnight-ish. In typical fashion, however, I don't show up sober. Neither do my friends. It's a nice night out and the patio is open at this bar/club. And it was hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock inside from all the people making an ass of themselves dancing. I'm not having fun at this point, about an hour in. It's 1 a.m. and there are no attractive females around. I decided to make them attractive.

I start talking to these girls and find out they are 28 and one of them is a kindergarten teacher. I ask her things like "Do you beat the kids?" and "Don't you hate the little fuckers?". Surprisingly, she did hate the little fuckers, I guess. The next thing I know I am in the back of her car driving with her and her friend to another bar. My friends I was with are following us. I am scared shitless because they wouldn't let Biggie into the car with me, I was assured I was going to get female-raped. I don't think I said a word the whole car ride, at least from what I recall.

I get a text from Biggie saying they aren't following anymore because it was too far. Great, now I'm with two girls, can't remember there name, much less mine, and I am a good 45 minutes away from my house. We arrive at the bar and I show the bouncer my school ID, he tries not to let me in, but somehow I got in. This still perplexes me as to how I got in, but I did so fuck it. At the bar Teacher and Short Friend buy me a drink and Teacher tell me to meet her in the bathroom in a few minutes- The women's bathroom.

I buy Short Friend a shot and one for myself and then go.I go in and the girl gets on her knees in the stall and starts ripping off my pants. In short, She gave me a BJ. We finished and I immediately leave and find a cab without saying goodbye. I get a ride back to another bar my friends were at and that was that. Or so I thought.

Here's what my friends told me.

I was talking to these girls and I started buying shots for everybody, but no one wanted them. So my friend, Joo, and myself start doing them. Shot....Shot...Shot...and...Shot. I pester the girl to dance, but she declines and I start swearing at her, saying she was ugly and didn't want to dance anyways. But somehow we ended up on the dance floor (which I don't believe because I HATE dancing), and I looked like a wet noodle. Arms wavingn in the air, no regard for anything or anybody. The bouncer asked the girl to get me out of there. I thought I was just being smooth and left with her. And that is how I ended up in her car. And when I arrived at the bar after the BJ I gave the cabbie driver a fake ID and ran.

$45 cab ride, free. I also got confirmation that Teacher was not ugly or fat.

Sweet.

July 4th Bone Of The Week

Internet, meet Holly Weber. Holly Weber, meet internet. This girl is my Bone Of The Week. She hails from California and has been in those stupid Geico commercials and CSI. God Bless America.

B.O. Makes an Ass

Making an ass of myself is nothing new, by any means. Last night was just flat out funny. The bars were dead, it WAS the 4th of July. Who wouldn't go out on the 4th? Whatever, screw them. But the few people who were there were complete losers and ugly girls. I did what I do best, however, and that is get black-out drunk.

Upon receiving a phone call from BigDude to hit the bars, I promptly drank a fifth of the finest Jewel brand vodka they have to offer. I'm feeling pretty good by the time we get there. I start doing more shots and at this bar they give you a can unopened if you order a PBR. That is bad news for them. I quickly bought a few and shotgunned them, fratty style. This place was so dead they kicked everyone out at 1:30 AM. I was drunk, pissed, and had nowhere to go. So I asked for a cigarette (I don't even smoke) and the conversation went a little south.

B.O.: Hey, can I bum a cig?
TrollGirl: Yeah, sure, you need a light too you bum?
B.O.: Bum? When you aren't on the level of my bellybutton standing up, talk to me then.
SoberFriend: Well you aren't very nice!
B.O.: No shit? Did I ever say I was The Pope?

For some reason the drunk one is eating this conversation up, so she starts talking to me and gives me her number etc, etc...She then proceeds to keep asking me what her name is, about four different times. The last thing I remember was talking to this girl for about 10 minutes and we move to talk to BigDude, SoberGirl, and TrollGirl. I remember KT (the girl I was talking to) asking me a question and I replied. I had no idea what I said even till this moment, but the look on their faces were like I told them I had sacrificed a baby earlier in the night.

I need to start bringing recorders.

The Subway Bitch

This was an epic night. Biggie and myself decided to go to a bar in Palatine, and if you are from the NW 'burbs of Chicago, you know this is a shit hole with two bars. Durty Nellies and Lamplighters. I don't remember much of this night except the very end of the night. We walk into the Subway and we see these three whales from high school. My friend told me I was so drunk he had to order for me, which I disagree with since I never had a sandwhich. And here is why...

We get a taxi to take us home and these girls ask us if they can ride with us, before I can even get a "Sure" or "I guess" out of my mouth, Biggie stepped in...

Biggie: No, you fuckin' skanks and fat sluts can get a ride home yourself.

Needless to say the ride home was awkward since they came with us. A few minutes later I come to and realize I don't have my sandwhich. I quickly text message my friend saying I think one of the fat chicks stole it.

Biggie: Alright, which one of you did it?
All 3: Huh? Did what?
Biggie: Which one of you fat bitches ate the sub I bought for B.O.?!?!
Whale1: Excuse you? Fat? Look at yourself?
B.O.: Driver, please pull over.
IndianGuy: Wha? Why? We can not do this?
B.O.: Do it, you'll like your tip more.

So we all get out of the car and I search the taxi van for my subway. At last, I found it. I found the wrapper. We left the girls on the side of the road and went home. Rule #1-Don't eat my Subway, bitch.